I Won a Basket of Porn (A Satire)
A teacher wins a basket of vibrators and pornography at a summer fair, and the whole town turns on her, demanding her resignation. “I Won a Basket of Porn” is an award-winning, unconventionally told short story inspired by a real-life premonition that came true-- the author would win a vibrator. The rest of the story is fiction, told through fictional newspaper articles and the comments that follow them.
East Lake Gazette
July 30, 2012
ELVFC HOLDS SUMMER FUN FAIR
ROBERT KALINAY, Staff Reporter
EAST LAKE - Last week we celebrated 50 years of fire protection from the East Lake Volunteer Fire Company (ELVFC) with the world famous ELVFC Summer Fun Fair. Rides and games were provided by AAA Amusements, and the food was provided by local service groups and food vendors.
The Summer Fun Fair featured rides, games, food, animal exhibits, craft vendors, a “White Elephant” sale, a quilt raffle, Firefighter Olympics and more.
Bingo and the Wheel of Fortune were two popular games of chance, but the highlight of the event for most was the annual Night at the Races, held Saturday night in the social hall. For ten dollars patrons received food, beverages and the right to “own” and name a horse for one race. In addition, a basket raffle was held featuring items such as gourmet coffees, movie passes, lottery tickets, wine packages and the ever-popular “Adults-Only” basket. All baskets were donated by local businesses.
Fire Chief Mike Anderson said that with the extreme heat and humidity we’ve experienced this summer, the Fun Fair gave our town’s residents the opportunity to see their neighbors and reestablish old friendships. He added that this has been the most profitable Summer Fun Fair since the fair started in 1982, thanks to the success of the Night at the Races in the social hall.
Town Selectman Harry Stevens said that he thought that the Night at the Races was more successful this year due to the air conditioning in the social hall. “It was just so dang hot, everybody came in to cool down,” he said.
Other Fun Fair guests affirmed his opinion. Mrs. Beverly Adams of Waverly St. said, “I never gamble, but it was worth the ten dollars just to cool down.”
Chief Meteorologist, Mark Saunders, of Channel 2 News confirmed that this has been the hottest July on record, and that we probably won’t see much relief in the foreseeable future.
“The Night at the Races was the best this year,” said Charlene Rosser of West Ave. “I won fifty dollars, and we stayed cool for hours.”
Photo Caption: Basket Raffle Winners with their baskets: From left, L. Pantova (Lottery Basket), A. McFarlane (Wine Basket), M. Pike (Coffee Basket), P. Gray (Adults Only Basket).
Church_Lady :: 4 hours ago
I am appalled to see the themes of these baskets—Wine, lottery tickets, pornography. Our town is going to the devil.
EastLaker241 :: 4 hours ago
Porn basket. That’s awesome. I’m going to the fun fair next year.
Shauna :: 3 hours ago
Next year they should have showers cuz some ppl just stink.
Michaels_Gram :: 2 hours ago
Isnt P. Gray a teacher? She should be ashamed of herself. Teacher’s can’t have pronography, right?
Pastor_Dan: 2 hours ago
This is a sad commentary on the morality of this town. Teachers must follow a code of conduct which forbids immoral behavior in public. Someone should investigate this.
Pat_Gray :: 2 hours ago
That is ridiculous. Teachers can be dismissed for certain CRIMINAL offenses. We can’t be fired because you don’t like what we did at a party. I went to Night at the Races only because it was air conditioned. I wanted to win the movie tickets, for crying out loud. Let it go, people.
Pastor_Dan :: 1 hour ago
Ms. Gray, if you think it was hot at the Fun Fair, try eternity in Hell. Galatians 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
Pat_Gray :: 1 hour ago
I’m an atheist. Don’t quote the Bible to me.
Sexcerpt (XXX if available):
I placed the basket on the bed in front of me, looked directly into the camera, and said in my sexiest voice, “Hi there. Do you want to hear about the time I won a basket of porn?”
I waited a moment to let the invisible audience answer.
“Well, let me show you what I won.”
I started with the items that wouldn’t be inserted. I held up two X-rated DVDs, one based on the X-Files, one based on the sit-com Friends. I hadn’t watched them yet, but I certainly didn’t tell that to the camera.
The next items were matching boxes of Gummy Boobs and Gummy Peckers. I took a couple of the Peckers out of the package and made a big show of licking and sucking the tiny, little cocks. I set those aside.
Next out of the basket was the spray bottle of toy cleaner. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to show the viewers that I was keeping the items in my basket clean and sanitary.
“Now for the fun stuff,” I purred while I dangled the fuzzy handcuffs from my index finger. I thought to myself, As if I’ll ever get to use these without a boyfriend!
I looked coyly into the camera as I took the bullet vibrator out of the basket. I pretended to hit the button by mistake, and I gave an adorable “my bad” look to the camera as it buzzed. I reached into the basket again, and pulled out a small, silicone fingertip-sleeve to slip over the bullet. I put my index finger through the ring and spread my legs. I lay back on the fluffy comforter and let my buzzing fingertip meander through my lady parts.
When I felt myself warming up a bit, I reached for the next item from the basket, a white, egg-shaped vibrator with a cord attached to a remote control. With a big, sexy smile, I popped that egg inside of me, and lined it up right on my sweet spot. I made a big show of pressing the power button and resumed the action with my buzzing finger as well. I could feel the heat building in my pelvis, but I wasn’t finished yet.
I smiled for the camera and shut the two smaller vibes off. I reached into the basket for the pièce de resistance, the I-Vibe Rabbit vibrator. I put it into my mouth and pretended it was my boyfriend, just for the camera. Another smile, another coy look, and I was ready. I plunged it inside of me and turned on the rotating beads on the shaft. I gave it a couple of minutes, and then changed the setting. Instead of rotating in a circle, the beads twisted back and forth.
“Ooh. That’s so nice,” I said to the camera.
The pressure made my whole pelvis feel good, and I rocked my hips a bit. I went for it and turned on the vibrating rabbit ears. “Oh, yeah,” I moaned. “That feels so good.”
I played with the different settings on the shaft and the ears until I found the perfect combination. I relaxed back onto the pillow and let myself have it. I pushed the thick phallus in and out and felt the pressure in my privates building.
I turned the speed up on both the shaft and the ears and moaned loudly. It was really starting to feel good, and I made more and more noise as I played with myself. It had been almost a year since I’d had sex with an actual man. Within minutes my orgasm built.
I hit the buttons one more time to crank the vibrator to full power, and I pushed the rabbit ears hard against me.
“Oh, here we go boys. It’s time!”
The guys moved their camera in closer to my face, just in time.
“I’m coming! Oh shit. Oh fuck. Fuck me. I’m coming!” I yelled. I smiled one more time for the camera as I relaxed.
(Don't miss the Patient Lee Titty Twister Ending!)